Jealousy
Dear Green with Jealousy,
Jealously is a pertinent topic and an experience shared by human beings of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations. Jealousy is a complex emotion that can include fear of abandonment, anger, and shame. It is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat, real or imagined, to a valued relationship from a third party.
Let’s start with you. I would imagine that there are underpinning causes that could help us understand why your jealousy is so strong. First off, I'm curious about your “attachment style.” If you’re not sure, you can read up on attachment styles in books like Attached : The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The research on the subject of jealousy in romantic relationships shows us that a person’s basic attachment style underlies their tendency to feel jealousy. Our attachment style is developed in infancy and childhood based on our relationship to our primary caregivers. Typically, those who have secure attachments in their early years tend to be less jealous and more independent, have higher self-esteem, and have fewer feelings of inadequacy than people with insecure attachment.
It may be that your insecurity belongs to earlier relationships (like your relationships with your parents) and that there is no reason to feel afraid of losing your current partner. Perhaps this isn’t the first time, without obvious provocation, that you have felt jealous and insecure in a romantic relationship. If you do have an insecure attachment style, it is TOTALLY OK. It’s important to be as compassionate with yourself around this issue as possible. There’s a reason you feel this way, even if the reason is in the distant past. And, if you have a partner who is securely attached, they can help you feel more secure! Ask them for help. Explain to them that you know these feelings aren’t their fault. Even so, would they be willing to help reassure you when you are feeling afraid?
Now let’s address the more recent past. It’s possible you’ve experienced unfaithfulness in a previous relationship. It can further complicate matters if there has been “cheating” in your current relationship, and you’ve chosen to stay and try to work it out. Either way these things need to be worked through, both in yourself and with your partner. Negative core beliefs can be activated when we feel mistrustful in relationships. Our primal brain views romantic betrayal as a signal that a valued relationship is in danger (indeed it may be!) and urges us to take steps to regain the affection of our mate. When this occurs it is difficult to be rational and instead we act out of fear.
I would want to know how you and your partner address this subject. Are you having open and vulnerable conversations about it? There is probably a lot coming up for the both of you. Often partners of those who experience jealousy on a regular basis feel oppressed, misunderstood, and angry (especially when they haven’t betrayed their jealous partner to begin with). It’s also common that those experiencing jealousy feel dismissed and embarrassed when they express it.
Sometimes we romanticize jealously and conflate it with love or passion. Jealousy is not a sign of love. It’s a sign of insecurity. It may be that you are not jealous, in general, outside this relationship. You can recognize strengths in other women and may have strong female friendships, where the same traits that you perceive as a threat to your relationship are actually the things that draw you to these women. That’s because the problem isn’t the relationship between you and other women. It’s between you and your partner, and you and yourself.
Thankfully, attachment styles are malleable. Working with a therapist, individually and/or as a couple, can help.
Here are some ideas for getting out of the jealousy trap:
Work on building trust within the relationship. Explore and deal with underlying issues such as those with trust or intimacy. Communicate your feelings when those feelings are not activated. Being honest with your partner about jealous feelings can spur productive conversations about what the relationship might be missing and how to repair the bond.
Focus outside the relationship. Take actions that align with your values. Volunteer, invest in friendships, plan your next vacation, dance in your room to some Lizzo, whatever feels meaningful to you. Build your self esteem through esteemable acts. You’re probably pretty freaking awesome lady! Step into knowing and feeling your inner goddess!
Use basic (though challenging) mindfulness techniques by observing your painful emotions. Take deep full breaths and actually lean into the intensity of these emotions. Notice that you have an observing mind that “sees” the painful experience. Exploring the emotions that underpin jealousy can inspire self-reflection that may help to develop internal coping skills.
Stay Well,
WW Team