Well Advised
Dear Trouble in Paradise,
Part of navigating relationships, regardless of how we meet folks, whether it be in treatment, college, a 12-step meeting or a pottery class, involves understanding how others affect our own healing and emotional processes.
A few things to keep in mind when exploring how relationships affect you:
Evaluate if what initially worked is still working. It’s easy to find yourself stuck in long-term relationships because you feel like you “have to stay friends.” What brought you together is not always what keeps you together. No one has to stay friends. Ask yourself: Is this relationship serving me in the ways I want it to? Is this relationship serving me in the ways it once did?
No one friend can meet all of your needs. Because every person has a specific lived experience, each is better at showing up in some situations more than in others. I used to believe that all my friends needed to support me in all of my life experiences. It has helped my friendships immensely to appreciate the diversity of my friends’ supportive talents. I have friends I call when I’m ugly crying, and others that I call when I’m I want to go dancing. These don’t have to be the same people. Having many friends that can meet different needs has been essential to building a fulfilling life.
3. Be aware of your buttons. Know your limits and let your friends know your buttons too. Communicating about and receiving support around your buttons/needs/triggers helps strengthen friendships. (See more on the power of vulnerability here.)
Ask yourself - What are my needs? Do the folks I spend time with know about these needs?
4. Keep checking in. Keep taking a personal inventory of your relationships. This can be both important and deeply painful.
Ask yourself - If this relationship is not serving me, why do I keep showing up?
Emily Troscianko PhD a researcher and writer, wrote an article for Psychology Today where she explores the ways friendship can support recovery. Check out her article here. Emily reminds us that, “looking after someone is not the same as being a friend to them.”
It’s important to remember that we can’t control others’ behavior, but we can choose how we respond to others. I remember my Alcoholics Anonymous "litter" (the folks who counted days at the same as I did) so vividly. It was truly magical to look these people in the eyes and know that we were all going through the same confusing, disorienting, exciting, and painful experiences of early recovery. I have been sober for years now, and many of these people are still sober as well. Some of them are not, and while I am still friends with them I don't spend as much time with these friends as I did when we were going to meetings together. We do things that don't involve alcohol or drugs, like going to the movies or visiting cat cafes. Tragically, some of the people I started my AA recovery with are no longer alive. As much as I wanted us all to "trudge the road of happy destiny" until we grew old, I couldn't control how they chose to live their lives and I couldn't prevent them from relapsing.
It's important to remember that YOUR RECOVERY COMES FIRST. Always. If a friend's behaviors are triggering for you, it's always okay to take a step back or even to end the friendship.
Our wish for all our clients, is that they feel empowered to make recovered and healing choices. Choosing to heal is some of life's hardest work.
If you’re feeling contemplative today, consider journaling…
What qualities make friendships feel magical?
Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and friendship filled New Year!
Stay Well,
The WW team