Well Advised
Dear Home for the Holidays,
One of the most painful parts of the process of healing from a dysfunctional family can be navigating the holiday season. We are bombarded with images, advertisements, and messages that reinforce the belief that holidays are spent with family and that despite what goes on the rest of the year, November through December should be a joyful, cozy time for connection. But when family is complicated, triggering, gone, mean, violent, or far away, the holidays can be a lonely, sad, and difficult time.
As therapists, we wish nothing more for our clients than for home to be a place of nurturance, love, protection, and safety, but unfortunately, this isn’t the case in way too many homes. Remember that you have a choice. You have a choice in where you go, who you see, and how you spend your time. You have a choice in how you react to difficult people. You have a choice in the things you share. And even when the pressure seems high, the guilt trip seems strong, and feelings of obligation are chronic.
You can’t show up for others if you don’t show up for yourself first.
Once you’ve attached your own air mask, you’re ready for more tips for navigating the holiday season.
Trust your instincts. If the thought of going home or seeing specific family members brings up too much anxiety or stress, remember that you have permission to say no. Trust your body and the messages it sends you about safety. Usually the right answer is already inside of us. All we have to do is lean in and learn to listen. Noticing our bodies’ messages can be a huge resource when making decisions. Check out this video for more on the science of intuition.
If you are on the fence about going home, try to visualize how it will feel to be there and feel into your body. This is one of the times where future tripping (trying to imagine what future events, situations and interactions will be like) can be helpful. Imagine your future self and get a sense of what your future self wants and needs. Honor that.
Find a buddy. Life is better with a buddy by your side. Anyone disagree? If you end up deciding to go home, try to identify a safe human who you can count on to stick with you during hard moments or interactions. Who is someone to make eye contact with when your misogynistic uncle says something stupid. Who can look for across the room to get that validation, that “that was crazy, right?!” If there isn’t anyone at Thanksgiving dinner you feel can be a true ally, consider phoning or texting a supportive friend before, during, and/or after family time.
Claim a Family of Choice. Sometimes family means people who share blood and sometimes those are the people that just share love. If you could choose your family, consider which people you would like to see around your table. Can you create your holiday season with these people? Could you join them and their less crazy families? Could you and your family of choice plan your own Thanksgiving celebration? Is there a community Thanksgiving celebration you would want to attend? Instead of spending the holiday at a typical Thanksgiving dinner, consider volunteering and giving back to your community. Town and Country Magazine offers suggestions for volunteering in New York City this Thursday.
Claim Your Choice. It can be easy to think you are doing something “wrong” or “bad” if you decide not to go home for the holidays. Sometimes choosing not to go home is the most healing thing you can do for yourself. Not everyone has to understand or agree with your decision. Doing what is right for you does not have to be right for everyone.
Likewise, it can also be easy to think that you are doing something wrong if you do decide to attend a family function with people who have hurt you in the past. Often we yearn for the connections that we have to family, even in family systems that are severely flawed, and even if there are people present who have proven not to be safe. Sometimes people experience judgement from friends or others for participating in family functions when there are known problematic family members.
We encourage and give you full permission to not feel ashamed for going home or not going home. Only you can truly know what is right for you.
Navigating the holiday season is challenging. Make sure you set yourself up for success and get your post thanksgiving therapy session scheduled asap - am I right? We’re all gonna need it.
If you’re feeling contemplative today, consider journaling…
What would it look like to make your personal wellbeing a priority this holiday season?
Happy Holidays. We’re thankful for you and this community.
Stay Well,
The WW team