Well Advised
Dear new but very excited queer,
First off, we just want to say, welcome.
Welcome to exploring your sexuality.
Welcome to learning about a new part of yourself.
Welcome to feeling excited about how you love.
Welcome to letting others love this part of you too.
Coming to terms with your own sexuality is a journey and it can be challenging to learn how to navigate new parts of ourselves. It can be a challenge to accept these parts internally, and its normal to have fear around sharing these parts externally. This process of self exploration can often feel overwhelming and it can also be a deeply meaningful and transformative process.
A key part of navigating the coming out process is understanding that there is no right way to come out. That being said, you do not have to come out. You don’t have to express or share your sexuality with anyone, or in anyway you don’t want to. It’s yours.
Coming out of the closet, generally refers to sharing your preferred sexual identity with yourself and with others. We, unfortunately, still live in a hetronormative world. It’s often assumed that a person is hetrosexual until otherwise informed. This assumption is inherently problematic and can leave people who are not heterosexual feeling stuck, alone, boxed in, and different. It is important to remember that coming out never ends. Adam Dachiss, writes an incredible article, for lifehacker where he talks about this point and shares 6 things he wished he knew before coming out.
Coming out is an important right of passage for LGBTQIA+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer/questioning, asexual and many other terms) folks, but it’s also a challenging and scary experience for many. Fear of being rejected by loved ones can feel paralyzing, enough so that many folks never come out. The Pew Research Center survey on the LGBT population, shows that nearly 4 out of 10 LGBTQIA+ American adults, or 39 %, have been rejected by family or friends because of their sexual orientation. This data highlights the real risk that LGBTQIA+ folks face when deciding if, and how to come out, and who might be safe to come out to.
I want to also remind our readers that the process of coming out happens long before you tell another human being. For a long time I carried deep shame and anger towards the way I loved. I felt like I was “created bad” and for a long time I wished this part of me would go away. I spent 12 years wishing and waiting. But it didn't work. It didn't work because this is how I was created. This is how my body was put in the world to love.
Over the years I have had to lean into accepting this part of myself, and embrace it, and then love it. Only once I had gotten to an internal place of peace around how I love, and how I navigate the world have I felt ready to share my sexuality with others. Hating this part of myself made me much more susceptible to internalizing people's negative feedback, judgment, and opinions. Everytime I would be called a name I would head back into the closet, thinking it was safer there. For a long time I believed fear would win. But as I learned to love this part of myself I created a space for others to love this part of me too. I learned that fear doesn't always win. For me, love wins.
It is more than okay to be selective with who you share this part of yourself with. Even if your therapist is not gay, they hopefullyarr LGBTQIA+ affirming and trained to help you navigate the coming out process. It can be so scary to love this part of yourself, but often through sharing yourself wholly with trusted guides like a therapist or friend you will learn you are accepted and loved just as you are. Often the experience of coming out can feel freeing and magical. It can feel empowering to take up space and allow others to celebrate this part of who you are. When we share this part of ourselves with others do we create space for it to be celebrated.
If no one has told you yet today, we want to make sure you know:
You are worthy of love, belonging, and safety. How you love is a beautiful part of who you are. Gay is okay. You are not alone. We are so happy you were created the way you are.
If you’re feeling contemplative today, consider journaling…
If I was not crippled by fear of judgment or rejection - What would I do? Where would I go? And who would I want there holding my hand?
Stay Well,
The WW team