Well Advised

Dear Pining for More,

While your situation appears to be simply a classic case of a person wanting to have her cake and eat it too, this is also an opportunity to for you to discover and communicate your own needs in a relationship.

This woman is leaving you breadcrumbs that you are attempting to build a relationship out of. You may have poured over your text exchanges looking for any glimpse of longing and reciprocity on her end or spent countless hours musing over your relationship with your friends. In these breadcrumbs you may have found reassurances that keep you in this endless cycle of uncertainty… The heart emoji at the end of her text means something, or If she didn’t want to be with you she wouldn’t have taken her whole weekend to go to the Poconos with you. 

This isn’t about her liking you or loving you. She’s obviously into you. However, you have to be certain about what you want. This is an opportunity to bring awareness to what you value in this relationship, and what doesn’t work. Although it’s scary, this is the time to have an honest conversation with this woman. What are your needs? How are they different, and how is this relationship affecting you both? You don’t need to eradicate this person from your life nor settle for an on and off relationship. You do need to discover your needs, communicate them, and then hold true to them. 

If you want to be in a monogamous, steady, committed relationship than that’s what you need to look for. Even if you meet someone who is exceptional, if commitment is not what they have to offer, keep it moving. It sounds like this woman wants all the parts of a relationship without the commitment. You want commitment. And herein lies the answer to your question: it doesn’t matter if she loves spending time with you. You want to be dating her seriously, and she’s not offering that. You two want different things from each other, and neither of you should have to compromise.

If you’re not getting what you want in this relationship, know that you will find it somewhere else. Don’t be afraid of that. Your next person is out there. Be grateful for this romance and part ways. There is value in relationships, even the ones you move on from. Hold true to want you want and risk being alone for a bit. Go to those meditation groups you’ve been meaning to go to. Join a book club. Take a woodworking class. Lean into your friendships.
 

Stay Well, 

The WW team

Still Musing?

Check out this podcast from Deepak Chopra:

https://chopra.com/article/how-identify-and-express-your-needs-relationships

Looking for your next self help book on dating? 

We recommend How to be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate, by Jenny Taitz

and

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller