Sober Curious ?
Exploring sobriety has become an increasingly popular movement as more people become curious about their relationship with alcohol and other substances. Recently, we’ve noticed new mocktail offerings at some of our favorite restaurants and even alcohol free wine stores pop up in some major cities. Whether driven by a desire for better mental and physical health, the need for clarity, or the pursuit of a more mindful lifestyle, people are questioning the role that drinking plays in their lives. The sober curious trend invites people to reconsider their habits, not always because of addiction, but often out of a desire to live more intentionally. We interviewed Luis Illades, LMSW who shared insights from his experience guiding individuals on this transformative journey.
What are some misconceptions people have about sobriety?
I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but often people mention that they might lose out on having fun, or escaping reality once they give it up. However, usually when someone is thinking of putting down a substance, they are already recognizing that they are not having fun in their current lifestyle.
Sometimes people think they have to make a lifetime commitment here and now to sobriety. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Sometimes it can be a reprieve from the horror of uncontrollable repetition or even gentle curiosity for a season that allows us to see what else there is room for. The journeys are totally individual but the key can come from stepping out of isolation and into listening to others and stepping into the sharing of oneself in a new way.
Is sobriety all or nothing? What is harm reduction?
It is important to note that no one holds domain over anyone else’s sobriety. Each individual can decide if this is working for them or not. We take it “one day at a time”. It is important to have willingness and honesty with self or others. It can be difficult to make decisions if someone is in denial about how their substance usage is affecting their lives. That is one of the most challenging invisible factors in making decisions about recovery. Would I recommend starting with 90 days of not using any substance in order to have the clarity and reference to make an informed decision? Yes. Is my opinion the only one? Of course not.
What emotional challenges might people face when beginning to explore sobriety?
Sitting still with your own self or essence can be difficult. Some of the most effective ways of exploring sobriety and recovery involve connecting with others. You didn’t go through the immensely difficult challenge of letting go of your substances to sit isolated in a room, did you? Sometimes, those supports or access to community may not be something you already have built into your life especially if you tend toward isolation or your social circle is consumed with people using substances. Support groups can be a lifesaver. You may have opinions about what those are like from TV and movies and some of it might be laughably true, but there is connection and support there and you don’t have to make up your mind about it on day one or in week one. Just grab on and get stronger - you can make more long-standing plans later.
How can people exploring sobriety navigate the social pressures that accompany drinking culture?
This really depends on the individual. Some people take a time-out from certain environments (again, none of this has to be forever); others may choose to leave a party once drinking starts. Once you hang out with substance using people from a sober state, you may feel like you are missing out on a whole lot less. It’s kind of annoying, right? It totally depends on what your limits and triggers are. My pro tip has always been to have a huge bottle of water in my hand all night. You can’t put a drink or a drug in a hand that is already occupied.
How can therapy support building a life that feels fulfilling without substances?
Navigating the bio-psycho-social space with a therapist who has the skills and presence to guide you through murkiness can be a gentle pathway to self knowledge and identifying senses of self and identity, navigating and coping with trauma, developing coping skills and interpersonal effectiveness. Rehab can be life changing, too.
When I decided to get sober, I didn’t have access to therapy, but I went to an AA meeting and sat down and listened to other people’s experiences. Most of what I learned about building habits and navigating triggers was from chit chatting with other people struggling with the same situation and seeing what worked for some and what didn’t work for others. Everyone taught me something valuable that allowed me to get through the day sober and come back the next day with a curious mind. Both AA groups and group therapy can offer the type of community support that was critical in my sobriety journey and experience.
What positive changes have you seen in people who have embraced sobriety or a sober curious lifestyle?
Most of the people that I have known to embrace sobriety of various stripes appear to gain greater trust in themselves and their abilities, form more solid friendships, and have a clearer vision of the life that they truly want to build and dodge around obstacles instead of falling into the same ones over and over. The repetition of addiction or compulsive using can go on eternally. The relief of being able to dodge repetition is monumental. Mistakes are made, tears are shed, and anxiety is felt but these appear with seasons over time rather than frozen in place.
What are some of the reasons individuals might start to question their relationship with alcohol or other substances?
Some reasons include feeling like you cannot stop, that you are bargaining with a substance, or that your usage is not rooted in recreational pleasure and has become automatic. Often we have been so accustomed to our relationship with substances that we have normalized how we use them for emotional survival. I guess I would note that “it doesn’t have to be that way”!
If you or someone you know is interested in working on their relationship with substances, we encourage you to connect with our talented clinicians here.
