How to Cope with Grief this Mother’s Day

With Mother’s Day approaching, Well Williamsburg wants to take the opportunity to highlight that this holiday can bring up mixed emotions for many of us. We sat down with Fallon Smalberg, LMSW and grief specialist at Well Williamsburg to get a better understanding of how to both define grief and help ourselves and others if we are grieving around Mother’s Day.

What is grief?

“Grief is what someone feels after experiencing a loss. Grief encompasses bereavement (specifically grief around the death of someone) and non-death loss. Non-death loss can be the loss of a relationship, a job, a dream, etc. Grief is a process and not a specific emotion. In fact, grief can encompass many emotions. 

The generally accepted stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages of grief are nonlinear, and one can go through all of the phases of grief at different times. “

How is grief different from sadness?

“When people think about grief, they often think of it being equivalent to depression and sadness. However, what can be complicated about grief is that there are sometimes positive components of grief. It can be helpful to hold the positive components at the same time as the sadness, but this can be very challenging. If someone is grieving the death of a loved one, there is sadness when thinking about the things you lose by losing them; contrarily, if the person was suffering, there can also be a sense of relief when they have passed on. This dissonance in polarizing emotions can be overwhelming.”

What recommendations do you have for people experiencing grief? 

“I encourage people to give themselves some grace. It is natural to feel overwhelmed by this day and to have anticipatory feelings of anxiety, sadness, or anger. We can become overwhelmed when we feel negative emotions and try to talk ourselves out of it or try to suppress them. Letting ourselves feel negative emotions and practicing mindfulness can bring insight and guidance on which personal coping tools would be helpful for us.

Additionally, it can be powerful to connect with a friend who may be in a similar situation as you regarding grief around Mother’s Day. We can find community in connecting with others and recognizing that we are not alone in these feelings. 

Taking care of ourselves is most important. Also – remember that it is okay to be sad or angry. What’s helpful for healing is connecting with and  feeling these emotions in safe and appropriate ways.”

It may be hard to know what “Taking care of yourself” looks like for you. If that’s the case, here are some helpful notes to keep in mind if you or someone you love is grieving this Mother’s Day:

Feel your feelings: Giving yourself space and time to be mindful of your feelings and to recognize and name them can be an important first step in coping with loss.  Remember: it is okay to be overwhelmed, sad or angry. These feelings are an expected part of the grieving process. Non-acceptance of our emotions can lead us to feel overwhelming secondary emotions (feelings about your feelings) and those can get in the way of coping. 

“Show up” for yourself: Utilize healthy coping tools to address your primary feelings of grief and any secondary emotions. Using tools to process your emotions by journaling, expressing them verbally or artistically and taking steps to regulate your nervous system through breathing, movement, meditation or spending time in nature can be especially helpful. 

Foster Connection: Think about what friends or family members “fill your cup”. Whose presence is comforting? Whose jokes make you laugh? Staying engaged with people we love can be grounding during difficult times.

Be patient with yourself: Grief is nonlinear, and we can have some good moments mixed with sadness and anger. Do what you can to comfort yourself. If slivers of happiness and relief do present themselves, allow yourself to lean into them and recognize that all feelings, positive and negative, are meant to come and go.

Seek support: Finding a grief support group or seeking out a therapist specializing in grief can help you connect to your emotions, process through them and further develop healthy coping skills.