Well Advised
How does a person "feel" their feelings by processing and expressing emotions in healthy ways?
Dear Struggling to Feel,
We love your question! Feelings are not for the faint of heart, and we are impressed with anyone who is willing to be courageously curious about their own emotions.
As difficult as some feelings can be, it can help ease emotional pain to remember that every feeling has a reason and a purpose. For more on this, check out an article in Scientific American on the usefulness of “negative” emotions. The word emotion is derived from the Latin term “emovere” which means to stir, to agitate, to move. Emotions beg action of ourselves or others. Sadness can remind us that we need connection and support, and anger can push us to have difficult conversations or to get into action around change. Our emotions are meant to teach us, to move us, to help us survive and thrive.
As Pema Chodron writes in her book, When Things Fall Apart:
“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
Feelings don’t last forever. Ever heard of the 90 second rule? As Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says in her book, My Stroke of Insight, “It takes 90 seconds from the time we have a thought that is going to stimulate an emotional response. When we have an emotional response it results in a physiological dumpage into our bloodstream. It flushes through and out of our body in less than 90 seconds.” But, when is the last time you had a negative feeling that lasted just 90 seconds? Yeah, me too! We often hear people say they fear a feeling will never go away, but every emotion has a physiological life cycle. It’s often the stories that we tell ourselves about our circumstances that give emotions more lives than cats. Our brains are set up to manufacture negative emotions because negative emotions have aided in human survival (think of the utility of being hypervigilant when there might be a lion around). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy offers useful tools for managing seemingly endless emotions (see this chapter on ACT for more information about how ACT works for emotion regulation). Some ACT techniquest called “thought defusion” aim to help you name and separate yourself from the stories that drive ineffective emotion manufacturing. Thought defusion involves observing your thoughts, unhooking yourself from their story, and letting them go (see Leaves on a Stream meditation or Hands as Thoughts exercise for help with thought diffusion).
Feel with your body, interpret with your Wise Mind. Being in touch with the sensations in your body and the thoughts in your mind as separate but related can help you identify and understand your emotional experience. For example, some people interpret a pounding heart with a heart attack, incorrectly interpret ing that they are dying, which can trigger a panic attack. In fact, psychoeducation about the misinterpretation of sensations is part of treatment for panic attacks. Misinterpreting sensations happens outside of panic attacks as well (check out Lisa Feldman Barrett’s TED Talk for more on this). So, get curious. Notice the feeling, do your best to slow down, and track the sensation.
Using your Wise Mind, ask yourself: What else could this sensation mean? Does it make sense/would it be effective to act based on my interpretation? What action makes the most sense based on my values and my goals?
You might ask the sensation what it needs. Feel into the sensation, noticing its intensity, temperature, boundaries, texture, movement, and any other qualities that you might be able to imagine or sense into. Be open to different answers at different times for seemingly the same feeling. For instance, when asked what it needs, a fluttery, warm feeling the size of a grapefruit in your stomach might reply that it needs “a hug,” “to finish this project and stop procrastinating!,” “to ask out your crush,” or “to have a direct conversation with that person you’re avoiding,” to name a few possibilities.
Remember, you are not alone. Brené Brown reminds us that the most powerful form of empathy is to say “me too.” Check out Brené’s TedxHouston talk on vulnerability and the power of sharing yourself courageously with others. We encourage you to share vulnerably with a trusted friend, family member or your therapist. Find a safe place that feels free of judgment. A place that feels safe for you to feel. You will often find you are not alone in what you are feeling.
As we sit here and answer your question, we say, “us too.” We also work to feel our feelings, and we also are not perfect at feeling or expressing our emotions. You are not alone in that. We are heartened to know that we are all trying to be the best humans we can be and that we don’t have to do this alone.
Stay Well,
The WW t e a m